Go!

I hear this voice, her voice, a resounding vibration seemingly everywhere — filling my body and head. GO!

We are at the end of her Memorial Service at the Hollywood Temple of Self-Realization Fellowship. It is packed with her clients, friends, colleagues, students, and family. And apparently, like any bar, it is Last Call, as the Minister says. “Well unless anyone else has something to say…” wants to share about her, and what she meant to them. He has done this call for speakers once before, but this time I know he means it because he starts to turn his gaze and body away, as in a closing.

I feel the urgency.

It is now or never.

I have been preparing to speak since her memorial was announced. But what can you say about your Teacher, who was your main support system, your sanity checker and confirmer, your cheerleader, challenger, and champion in the art of discernment — a person you love?

One woman spoke about Kathy’s mentorship, and that her death was a “baton passing” for those who remained. We had to step up, couldn’t rely on Kathy to be the placeholder to the work we needed to do — for ourselves and in a larger sense of purpose. Others talked about her leadership and vision: her private practice work in mind-body medicine; and the University she founded to train students in integrated and complimentary approaches to well-being (including psychotherapy and acupuncture ). What an excellent and caring practitioner and person she was. There were so many anecdotes and stories. And everyone remembered her differently, depending on their relationship — which included how it was relevant and structured; some more professional, some so personal. This seems like such a simple observation about both the fullness and the situational relevance of someone — but it is this function of context that often gets overlooked in everyday living, in our relationships with others. Of course we only know people from our point of view and point of contact, our frame of reference; often forgetting they are so much more to so many — that they are dimensional beings, even in the seemingly singular roles they play.

And i have written bits down about what she meant to me, who she was to me. So what would be a good contribution to share with those gathered here? Is it a personal specific moment, seemingly unheroic and yet life-changing — like when she was the only person supporting me getting a shelter dog during a particularly challenging period, because “when you are having a difficult time, that’s when you need someone to lick your face.” Mostly, she suggested the routine, commitment, and mutual caregiving that comes with pet ownership would be a plus for us both (the dog and me)*. Or was it when I was looking for work and she encouraged me to “go out and collect rejections”, or when I was flying to Washington, D.C. to give a talk and she said, “I hope it doesn’t go well,” and laughed. We both laughed. And every new entrepreneurial idea or seeming impossibility she’d respond in one of two ways, “Why Not?!” and “Let’s See!”(what happens).

How do you sum up someone’s existence, and who they are (to you)?

Well, when they are your teacher, you share them as you experienced them: with a teaching moment of awareness, that apparently continues.

For that “Go!” was not just a suggestion, it was a propulsive decision that had already been made.

And there’s a moment in the things that you know you must do, where all that is left is the doing. Whether it is having a needed conversation, signing papers, saving Democracy, or speaking at a Memorial. You let the next step fill your body and go. This often involves enormous trust, courage, and surrender. And sure there is terror, but that usually happens before the embodied movement. I remember being utterly unsure of what I would say, and tho shaky, also absolutely unconcerned about how it would go — just knowing it would go. I was in it, and on task. And I share this with you, now, because the moment you have stepped forward into that next yet unknown, anything could happen. (And that’s the good news, tho we rarely lead with that part). I just remember being aware of walking up and being willing to find out. Maybe everyone knows this, and there are even brand slogans that suggest a simplicity to taking action — we just do it. And this can be true for some, maybe true ultimately, but sometimes there can also be a hesitancy in taking action and necessary next steps. So slowing it down enough to feel the conundrum of what is possible in the stepping forward (including the shaking of uncertainty) is a really interesting experience.

So GO! And I lept up. As I got to the podium, I remember ad libbing something humorous, maybe about batting clean-up, or what’s left to say after so many wonderful testimonials. I had, fortunately, and at the last minute, also brought along an email from Kathy. So with the inspiration of the moment at hand, would leave them with her words. It was something she had shared with me in response to a request for insight about the point of life, the bigger picture as she saw it, as I had offered my own hypothesis and query. Was I even close?

Her words — even the abbreviated highlights shared here — were no longer just a personal response to me, but a benediction of comfort, for others. It started with encouragement,

“I believe you are on the right track”,

and then she launched into her perspective of how Life works. Which included a great reminder that some things were “No Biggie.” And after laying out the landscape, so comprehensive and masterfully, she concluded with a sweet qualifier, “At least that’s my limited understanding of it all”. Which was so Kathy. But perhaps, the real message for everyone in attendance, was the way she ended it:

“Love, Kathy.”

In other circumstances, an unremarkable ritual closing to an email. And yet, in that moment, it was who and what she was, what she gave, inspired, and brought forth: Love — a final note from her.

So how do you honor your Teacher? You share the energy of her teaching, you embody her commitment to good and helpful work, put your own spin on it, and take it for a drive. Mostly, you pick up the baton. When I told her I had created a blog called “A Rock in Your Shoe” — she loved it. And 16 years later, it has new life here, in an unknown place and different format.

“Let’s See…” & “Why Not?!”

May you find a teacher, mentor, friend — animal or human — or maybe just some words on a page to keep you company and uplifted. May you have someone or something that encourages you to take the next steps — to give that gentle push for the next Go. May you begin to feel an almost conspiratorial eagerness to see what’s around the corner, even if it is only in your imagination. And may you also feel just as supported staying in your seat, until you know it is your right time to make a move.

With Grace & the Green Light, here we Go!

Love,

LVL

For Kathryn Perdew White, Ph.D., D.H.M., L.Ac.

1951 – 2010

* That dog, Maizie, was my great companion for 15 years, passing this past March, 2024.